Although your reason for avoiding it is the very essence of a specious denial, AA is not the only venue through which to confront your drinking. AA does not treat addiction, but is a support and fellowship group for alcoholics. After years of being bossy and overbearing, my basic apologies meant little. They don’t always see my hands off approach as sincere kindness, but my motives are pure.
- Often, people with substance use disorders cause harm to others, either intentionally or inadvertently.
- Ms. Theis-Satterlee has dated since the divorce but is now single.
- Many people begin making amends as soon as they join AA.
The purpose of Step Nine is to acknowledge the harm caused during active addiction and to make it right with the people involved, as much as possible. Even though they have similarities, living amends are different than making amends. While making amends is apologizing, living amends means living a completely new, sober lifestyle, and being committed to that lifestyle for both yourself and those you’ve harmed in the past.
Preparing for Making Amends in AA
If you deal with these issues head-on and early in your sobriety, there’s no way it can harm you in the future. There may also be individuals with who you know you shouldn’t make direct contact at all. That’s OK, but you’ll want to determine how to what is a living amends make that amend personally, maybe with a vow to live better. My Mom, on the other hand, loves to complain about Ricky’s behavior. Sometimes I can listen supportively for a short period of time. When she takes a breath, I ask if she wants my opinion.
Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care. When held in the bonds of an addiction, it’s not uncommon for many relationships to feel strain, or to fall apart together. Making direct amends means actively confronting your behavior with the person who you harmed. Many people begin making amends as soon as they join AA.
Guide to Step 9 and Making Amends
Also, you should never attempt to make amends where doing so is likely to cause further harm, such as making direct amends to someone you injured in a drunk driving accident. Instead, consider becoming an organ donor, or donating to charities that support victims of drunk drivers. Generally speaking, people work through the Steps of Alcohol Anonymous with an addiction treatment counselor and/or sponsor. You can also turn to AA’s Big Book and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) for guidance specific to Step 8. It’s important to have a plan in place before we reach out.
A qualified behavioral therapist can help you identify the areas of your life that need attention. If you have devoted the necessary time and energy to the first 8 steps, you should have a solid foundation from which to approach making amends in Step 9. Your relationship with a higher power—no matter how you define it—can help you to remain open and willing, even as you acknowledge hard truths about pain you have caused to others.
Why Making Amends Can Be Difficult
Instead, try to reference specific times when you hurt the other person and/or let them down. Being specific also makes the amends that you offer more achievable. You may not be able to rectify “everything” you’ve done to the other person, but you can repair specific wrongs. A 12-step program is designed to encourage long-term sobriety, by fostering a spirituality for recovery.
A sponsor or therapist can help you talk through your choices, determine the best course of action for making amends, and consider how your actions may affect others as you seek to make amends. Living amends represent the long-term actions you will take to remain committed to recovery. You may also have the opportunity in the future to make more direct amends with certain people in time.